If shingles was a computer virus

If shingles was a computer virus, it would be a rootkit-enabled malware that launched a man-in-the-middle attack against your central nervous system. The shingles virus hides in the nerve ganglia of its choice, exploiting any vulnerability it can to replicate through accessible nerve paths. After successful replication, the virus launches an additional attack against the epidermis.

In addition to causing hardware damage via nerve inflammation, the shingles virus also intercepts and manipulates nerve signals. Typically, the virus manipulates the nerve endings in the skin, tricking the brain into believing the skin is under attack by an army of tiny unseen enemies equipped with razor sharp tiny burning swords. As a result of the dual assault resulting from real nerve inflammation and spoofed epidermal pain, the victim system is typically rendered defenseless.

The shingles virus also includes the ability to steal sleep, cause loss of appetite, and force the victim system into endless pacing. In addition, the shingles virus includes a ransomware component, causing the victim to engage in mental bargaining in hopes of achieving a pain-free break. As with most ransomware, victims who do engage in this bargaining will find their efforts to be fruitless.

The shingles virus is dropped by the chicken pox virus, therefore any system previously infected with chicken pox is at heightened risk of a shingles infection, regardless of age or health.  Visible signs of a shingles virus infection often includes a rash on one side of the body (often delayed). Depending on the operating system, this rash may be small or large. Other symptoms include burning pain concentrated in one area on one side of the system, followed by a feeling of a vice-like grip throughout the affected zone.

While antivirus signatures are effective at detecting the shingles virus, they are not capable of cleaning a shingles infected system. However, if antivirus is employed within 72 hours of onset, it may reduce both the severity and longevity of the attack.

tl;dr: Shingles sucks.

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